It's been a bit since I wrote a post here and I thought today would be a good time as we met with the Max man's teacher, therapist and school psychologist yesterday for his IEP evaluation. We do this twice per year and will have another in the Spring.
Of course, I didn't hear what I wanted to yesterday. While Max is highly intelligent when it comes to letters, numbers and a multitude of other things (he can read entire books and recite entire books from memory, crazy!), there hasn't been any improvement in terms of his social skills. He doesn't "connect" with his classmates. He doesn't "gravitate towards any one individual." To put it bluntly, he has no friends. Albeit he is only just about to turn 5, but most 5 year olds at least connect with their siblings, cousins, peers, etc. They are on the brink of asking for sleepovers, choosing who they want to come to their birthday parties. Max can't even tell me when he doesn't feel good, almost everything in life is a guessing game with him. It's exhausting for parents, sure, but I can't begin to imagine what HE is feeling. He is so smart, and we know he understands everything we say, so to think he doesn't recognize his own inability to forge relationships feels foolish.
This meeting was particularly important because we also discussed his upcoming evaluation with the school social worker which will help determine where Max ends up next year.
Our guy will be 5 very soon and that means next August, regardless of his progress in the EELP program, he will enter kindergarten. Kindergarten... I'm already cringing just thinking about it. I don't know if most parents get excited about this milestone, but if I'm honest, I am wholeheartedly NOT. In this case, there is only one word that describes the gut feeling I get when I think about Max being in a "regular" classroom with "normal" kids.
FEAR.
Fear of Max being alone even though he is surrounded by other kids, fear of him wanting to connect and not being able to and what that might do to his psyche, fear of him being made an outcast by some kid who chooses to be a shithead (let's face it, all kids CAN be), fear of bullies, fear of this, fear of that; you get the gist.
My kid has quirks. Some are cute and some are funny, but some can be downright "weird" in the eyes of outsiders, especially kids who are too honest for their own good. If I could walk my kid around in a protective bubble I would, but clearly I can't and he will undoubtedly experience some if not all of my fears in his scholastic future. I know most kids experience these things in life, but the fact that Max can't even speak to defend himself, can't explain his feelings or show kids that he is just like them in mind and spirit, THAT is what makes this upcoming transition so hard for me to think about.
I have felt a heaviness since yesterday that I can't shake. I feel so sad and as hard as I try to not feel affected, I'm a wreck inside. I want to cry for him but that seems foolish because crying over something that hasn't even happened yet is a waste of tears and maybe a little nuts. Yet here we are.
I guess today I am just weak, and screw it, that's perfectly OK. Tomorrow will be better, or maybe not, who knows? I'll smile through it either way because that is what parents do. That is what adults do. Every day brings something new when it comes to Max. A new milestone, a new challenge, and those experiences are what make me strong in a general sense, so there is that.
What's awesome about Max is he doesn't fear the things I do. Max loves to experience new things and new challenges for the most part, he doesn't have hesitation like I do because he doesn't understand the world as adults do. HE is what keeps ME going. THAT is the positive light that shines over any of the dark feelings that pass through my heart.
